From Crater Face Cumia’s ex-Trophy “Wife” aka My Life With A Shock Jock

When you get into TV shows, podcasts, radio, etc. you start to feel like you really know the characters and it becomes a part of your life. This happened to me when my friend Ti got me into a certain satellite radio show. After two weeks of listening 4 hours a day I was hooked, I got all the inside jokes and I knew so much about the personalities it was like they were my friends. 5 years later I was still listening daily, it was my source for news and humor. I added one of the hosts on Facebook and sent him a message telling him how much he has made me laugh over the years. I got a reply back and it was like Christmas. I had booked a job in New York for the following week, so I went out on a limb and said we should hang out. He kindly accepted. It was very exciting.

He picked me up in his car at my hotel and we went to an amazing Italian restaurant in the meat packing district. It was like we had known each other for years. He was exactly how I pictured and we had so much to talk about. We went to an awful club after dinner and got hammered. A guy tried to talk to me when he was in the bathroom, and my shock jock kindly brandished his weapon to ward off the pest. What a gentleman. We went back to his majestic Long Island home after and continued drinking. That morning he went to the store to pick up some things and brought back a card that said “Happy 12 hour anniversary I love you.” He then invited me on a cruise the next year and said I should move from LA to live with him. This was all within 24 hours.

3 months later, after weekly flights from LA to NY, I finally moved myself into his house. It was a dream come true. I was dating a guy who I thought was the funniest man alive, and we had so much fun together. After a few days of being in his house I had found out that while we were “in love” talking on the phone everyday he had flown to Canada to fuck his ex and took a girl to a Paul McCartney concert, all while claiming to me that I was the most perfect girl he’d ever met. Now because I wasn’t living with him at the time, I brushed it off. I was there now and everything was grand.

For a few months I had to deal with him getting texts/calls from ex’s who he claimed were “batshit crazy” but I knew they were just hurt that he had stopped all contact with them for me. I felt like a princess. All of his friends and fans were telling me how awesome and beautiful I was. We had a blast hanging at his house drinking and singing karaoke every night, having parties, and we went on an amazing Caribbean cruise. I had found a modeling agency and I was making more money than I had ever have. I was able to buy my friends plane tickets to stay at his huge house for weekends, I basically had everything I wanted.

I guess where things started going downhill was about 6 months into the relationship. Modeling was turning out to be a mind numbing job and all the fun things we used to do turned into us drinking every night watching awful reality TV shows and complaining about liberals. I was never a heavy drinker but there was a full bar downstairs so I started partaking in the alcohol. I was on Zoloft and birth control pills, both of which are known to kill your libido and turn your brain into a haze of neutrality. We turned into roommates. There was no romance. I missed my friends, going to shows, and being around people my age. I gave that all up because I was in love with this person who I thought was incredible.

In a way I lost my identity living with him. I stopped listening to the music that I liked because he called it “hipster shit” and I didn’t go to one concert. I didn’t hang out with any of my friends because they were all “hipsters.” I watched so much TV that my brain was turning into mush. I hadn’t owned a television for a few years and now I remember why. I found out his ex from Canada would send him emails full of naked pictures of herself, and he would send her money. I told him this made me uncomfortable but he said he could do what he wanted, it was his life, right? I guess. Everyone in his life envied him and treated him like a king, so he never knew what it was like to be hurt. In his eyes he was an amazing person. When you’re around people who have nothing but great things to say about you I guess that’s what happens? I can’t say entirely bad things about him, because he was nice to people he was close to, he would do anything for his small group of friends and family.

A year into the relationship I was miserable. I had thought it was because of my job or I needed to increase my Zoloft. I was crying a lot for no reason. I missed my LA apartment, I missed my cat and my photos hanging on my wall, I missed my records and having my own room with my own closet. I was in his world and everything revolved around him. I thought this was how my life was going to be for a while. I was totally dependent on him. Financially I was all set, but living in a world where you don’t have to worry about money is a weird place. I had grown up lower-class my whole life and had a job since I was 15. I lost the feeling of being rewarded for hard work. I can remember a specific time when I had no reaction to booking a $15,000 job. The Melissa I knew a few years ago would be jumping up and down freaking out, but not this one. I hadn’t felt like I earned it.

I had become paranoid, so paranoid, because he was hiding stuff from me. Emails, texts, twitter DMs, I knew something was up. He SWORE to me that there was nothing going on. But I found numerous exchanges between girls he didn’t even know, flirting with them, and I got angry. I felt hurt and lied to. This had been going on for a while. He invited girls over when I was out of town but he denied all of it. I was the crazy one, I was the one who just needed to relax. I couldn’t take it anymore, this was not how I wanted to be treated. I deserved so much better. I deserved so much more than a man throwing money at problems hoping they would just disappear because this is what he had known for the past 15 years of his life. I felt like he wasn’t interested in my life. His life was him and his show and his gigantic gun collection.

To say I wasted a year of my life is wrong, because we did have fun, and we were in love. But looking back on the past year I can say that I was living the complete opposite of everything I had known. My ideologies were twisted because his opinion was the only right one. I started to think that everything he said was right. I was immersed in his republican principles and his distorted outlook on social problems. He was a man who had been divorced and thought the world owed him big time because he was in a bad relationship for 10 years. He doesn’t take responsibility for hurting his past girlfriends and throws money at all the conflicts in his life.

The week we decided that maybe us being together wasn’t a good thing, he took a 17 year old fan girl to a taping of a Fox show. She posted photos on her twitter, I saw them and nearly puked. I had talked to him that night and he said he was feeling tired so he wanted to get to bed early and stay at a hotel. Little did I know he was fucking her. I appreciate him trying to shield me from the heartache but it still hurt. He’s a man in his 50s and finds 17 year olds attractive. I just never understood that. He criticized me for having “cellulite” on my ass. Hi, that’s not cellulite, it’s called being a woman in her 20′s. If you can’t look past that and only find high school girls attractive, then maybe I shouldn’t be in a relationship with you. This girl had been obsessed with him and his show for a while. Wouldn’t you want to date someone compelling who isn’t already obsessed with you? I don’t understand how his brain works. He was following a 14 year old girl on twitter and had her “Amazon wish list” saved so he could send her things. I confronted him and he said “well she’s a fan of the show and she’s cute.” Right, because that makes sense.

It’s now a month after we’ve broken up. I stopped Zoloft and all other pills I was taking for sleep, etc. and I can really say that I’m happier than I’ve been in years. Is it because he is out of my life? Probably, but realizing there are men who would never treat me as badly as he did makes me thankful for going through that shit relationship. I spent all weekend laying in the sun at central park and thought about how happy I was to be back to normal.

Needless to say, I am a huge Howard Stern fan now.